


Honk If You Missed Me [Fic & Podfic]

by FlutterFyre, RsCreighton



Category: James Bond (Craig movies), James Bond (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - The Soulmate Goose of Enforcement, Audio Format: MP3, Audio Format: Streaming, Goose-typical violence, POV Outsider, Podfic, Podfic Length: 10-20 Minutes, Post-Skyfall, Pre-SPECTRE, Soulmates, Sound Effects
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:47:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26242912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlutterFyre/pseuds/FlutterFyre, https://archiveofourown.org/users/RsCreighton/pseuds/RsCreighton
Summary: 006 returns to a changed MI6 and an unimpressed goose.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 28
Collections: Pod_Together 2020





	Honk If You Missed Me [Fic & Podfic]

  


Cover art by [MistbornHero](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistbornHero/pseuds/MistbornHero)

Closing Music: [ Goose Song ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8cWrsyJQto&ab_channel=MrDoublageQC)

If your browser doesn't support streaming with the HTML5 audio tag, you can still [download this podfic (MP3)](https://rscreighton.rosejcreighton.com/2020/09/JamesBond_HonkIfYouMissedMe.mp3).

“I understand 006 is due back today.” Tanner had completed his daily briefing with Mallory — the new M — and stopped to chat with Eve Moneypenny before returning to his office. 

Eve paused and looked up from her monitor. “Is he as irritating as 007?” 

“Irritating, irreverent, irascible, irksome, infernal—”

“I get the picture,” Eve laughed.

Tanner shook his head. “No, I don’t think you do. 006 has been in deep undercover since before you entered the field. It’s his speciality. Well, that and blowing things up.” He huffed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Please tell me 007 is not in town.”

“Not only in town, but in the building. He’s been driving Q spare with his requests for an exploding pen of all things.” Eve shook her head. “Q banished him from Q Branch and informed him ‘if he asked again, he’d be given a Nerf gun for his next mission and nothing else’.”

Tanner smirked. He could just see their Quartermaster, the complete opposite of old Boothroyd, standing toe to toe with MI6’s most unruly agent and telling him ‘No’. He was sure that had gone over well. Boothroyd had doted on Bond, always willing to create some crazy gadget to send with the Double O. Hell, the old Quartermaster had personally customised the Aston Martin that had died so impressively at Skyfall. 

“I imagine that went over well.”

Eve’s laugh was joyous and contagious. “It’s always fun to watch those two go head to head. R sends me links to the CCTV feed each time Bond arrives. I only wish I had popcorn.” 

A commotion erupted as the door to M’s outer office opened. 

_ Honk!  _

Alec Trevelyan, Agent 006 in Her Majesty’s Secret Service, made the most undignified entrance Tanner had ever seen from the ultra-suave agent. Arms waving furiously and Saville Row suit rumpled, the agent scurried inside, slamming the door behind him.

“Bloody Hell! Who turned the farm animals loose inside Six?” 006 barked, running fingers through his hair and straightening his cuffs and suit jacket.

“Problem, 006?” Tanner asked, maintaining his unruffled pretence. It would not do to have a Double O believe he could be surprised by anything.

“I know I’ve been gone and there have been massive changes, but office livestock is a bit much. Or is the new Q trying to develop golden eggs?” 006 noticed Eve behind the desk and his snark faded as he morphed into the world class charmer Tanner knew he was. The Double O sat one hip on the edge of Eve’s desk, smiling at her, green eyes sparkling. “I don’t believe we’ve met. Alec Trevelyan, Agent 006. And you are?”

_ Honk! _

A white goose appeared out of nowhere, wings spread alarmingly as it stood in the middle of the outer office carpet. Tanner startled and saw both Alec and Eve jump. Alec spun around, Glock drawn and aimed at the brazen bird.

“No!” Eve stood, reaching out to knock Alec’s gun arm down. Tanner dove to the side to avoid any potential misfire.

“Bloody hell!” Alec swore and turned to glare at Eve, Glock in a white-knuckled grip at his side. “Are you trying to get someone killed?”

“You are not discharging a weapon inside Headquarters!”

Tanner picked himself off the floor and calmly stepped between the two irate agents, facing Trevelyan. “Stand down, 006. Ms. Moneypenny is correct. There will be no shooting of geese.”

Holstering his Glock, Trevelyan grumbled in Russian and circled Eve’s desk, heading for the door to M’s office.

_ Honk! _

The goose ran, wings flapping, to block his path.

“Oh, for crying—” Trevelyan swore and spun on his heel. “Tell M I’ll check in later. I’m heading to Q Branch.”

Stalking out of the office, Trevelyan failed to look back and see the white goose fold its wings, settle down, and vanish.

Eve stared at the space where the goose had been before turning to Tanner in stunned amazement. “Is that—? Was that—?”

Tanner nodded slowly, an odd combination of horror and unholy glee filling him. “I do believe some unfortunate soul has 006 as a soulmate.”

~*~*~

The Chief of Staff strode briskly through the corridors of Six, appreciating that somehow people knew to stay out of his way. Eve may be content to watch from afar, but Tanner had no intention of missing the live shitshow about to happen in Q Branch with the dual invasion of 006 and the Soulmate Goose.

He arrived on the heels of Trevelyan, nearly running into the agent who had stopped just inside Q Branch. Apparently the show had already started. 

“What bloody idiot let a goose in here?” Q was standing, waving his arms at the goose that occupied the centre of his workbench. Seeming to mock the Quartermaster, the goose flapped its wings in response, scattering papers, pens, pencils, bits and bobs, small tools and loose screws.

Proving that he was just as much of an arse as the goose, 006 guffawed loudly, drawing attention before speaking in a condescending manner. “Something’s fowl in here. Since when does Q Branch have a mascot?”

Minions who had been entranced by the standoff at Q’s bench jumped at the unexpected voice and turned to stare at 006, many in confusion as they had yet to make his acquaintance. 

Trevelyan brushed off their attention with a sharp grin, “Don’t mind me, boffins. I’m just taking a gander.”

Tanner covered his face with one hand and stifled a chuckle as half the minions groaned while the rest looked alarmed. R went so far as to plant her face on her workbench. 

_ Honk! _

The goose’s beak snapped at Q’s arm, snagging the sleeve of his cardigan. 

“Oi!” Q swatted at the bird in an effort to get it to release its grip. 

_ Honk! _

It protested, stepping back, wings flapping again.

Q turned from his standoff with the goose to see who had invaded his realm. “You!” Q pointed at 006. “Agent! Make yourself useful and get this creature out of Q Branch,” he ordered.

006 blinked at being ordered about like an underling. Double Os were at the top of the food chain at MI6 and never — ever — forgot it. His green eyes narrowed as he stared down the Quartermaster he had yet to formally meet.

“Да что ты о себе возомнил?” Trevelyan growled, spine straightening.

_ Lovely, 006 has resorted to Russian and is questioning Q’s authority, asking who Q thinks he is. This...is not good.  _ Tanner held his breath, waiting to see how the Quartermaster would react. Historically things had gone poorly for those who seemed to question Q’s competence. 007 came to mind.

Q’s head tilted and an eyebrow rose as he studied 006. When he spoke, the Russian flowed as though he’d been born to speak it. “Я квартирмейстер. А ты Алек Тревельян. Приятно познакомиться. Добро пожаловать домой.”

Tanner watched the tension melt from Trevelyan’s stiff posture at Q’s impressive response — a combination introduction, acknowledgement, and welcome home. An expression of recognition and then acceptance flickered across 006’s face and his voice was softer and actually genial when he spoke again. “Спасибо — thank you — Q. What seems to be the problem?” he asked, drawing attention to the fact that the goose was gone.

Q turned back to the disaster on his workbench. “Where’d the bloody bird go?”

_ Crap! 006 and the Quartermaster?  _ Tanner could not imagine a potentially more explosive match. Surely he was mistaken and the goose was meant for someone else.

“Don’t get your feathers ruffled, Quartermaster. I’m sure it’ll turn up.” Trevelyan purred as he moved towards Q like a predator, gliding smoothly around workbenches and minions, for once not pausing to flirt. He stopped not a yard from where the Quartermaster stood. A lazy smile curving his lips, Trevelyan held out his hand to the Quartermaster.

Q took it, eyes narrowed at the agent, but Tanner could see there was little irritation there. No, the heat had another source entirely. This pairing was either going to make or break MI6. Tanner prayed it was the former.

Glancing up at the nearest CCTV camera, Tanner raised an eyebrow at Eve. He wondered if Mallory had stepped out of his office to join her. It wasn’t every agency whose key employees turned out to be soulmates. With Q handling him, 006 would be near invincible in the field.

Tanner approached the pair and offered his hand. “Congratulations.”

Q finally stopped staring at 006, turning his head to look quizzically at Tanner. “Pardon?” 

Fighting the urge to roll his eyes, Tanner lowered his own hand and pointedly looked at Q and Trevelyan’s still clasped hands. 

“On finding your soulmate.” Tanner expanded, wondering how such a brilliant man could be so obtuse.

“Oh, we’re not soulmates—” Q began, only to be interrupted.

_ Honk! _

The goose was back on Q’s workbench, just behind Q, reaching for him with its open, menacing beak.

Trevelyan muttered something about “clueless boffins” and pulled Q forward, out of the goose’s reach and flush against the agent. He then proceeded to kiss said clueless boffin senseless.

The minions burst into cheers and applause as Q’s arms came around Trevelyan, the fingers of one hand burying in the agent’s hair. The goose disappeared once more.

Tanner turned, ready to head back to the executive offices and discuss the implications of the goose visit, when the Q Branch main door opened.

_ Honk! _

James Bond bolted through the doorway, now familiar white wings flapping behind him. The agent appeared harried as he slammed the door closed before turning and stopping. All eyes in Q Branch now on him. Bond froze, staring, apparently stunned by the sight of Q in Alec’s arms or was it the other way round? 

“You’re back,” Bond said.

_ Honk! _

The goose appeared next to Bond, leaning over to nip at his bum. Bond jerked away with a glare. “Will somebody do something about this damn goose?”

A slow roguish smile appeared on Trevelyan’s face. He released Q and crossed to where the other agent had been herded by the goose. Grabbing Bond by his lapels, Trevelyan snogged him with enthusiasm equal to that of a few minutes earlier with Q. 

Bond wasted no time responding; the kiss became frantic and rough, almost violent. Tanner heard a low growl and felt his eyebrows rise. Something had clearly been going since well before 006’s latest mission. This...could get interesting.

Then he noticed the goose was gone again. 

_ Well, damn and double damn. A triad. _

Q looked slightly dazed as he joined Trevelyan and Bond, both agents reaching to include the Quartermaster, whose smile turned incandescent.

Trevelyan smirked, looking from Q to Bond.

“Honk if you missed me.”

~fin~

**Author's Note:**

> Huge thanks to Rose for indulging my desire to create this as a party favor for PodTogether 2020! It has been a joy creating with you! - FlutterFyre


End file.
